queen of analogue (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
tellitslant) wrote2006-01-20 12:59 pm
tellitslant) wrote2006-01-20 12:59 pm
Fic: Canada's Really Big (crackfic, RPF, I did not write this)
Canada's Really Big
So, um.![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
fox1013 said "Canadian RPF roadtrip fic possibly with zombies!" And I said "My brain hurts, no way, I'm not writing that!" And I definitely didn't write that, and it certainly doesn't have Sandra Oh, Molly Parker, Callum Keith Rennie, Paul Gross, Wendy Crewson, and/or Don McKellar, and I really don't need to apologize to the Arrogant Worms for blatant misuse of their lyrics. *cough*
I don't think this makes any geographic sense. I don't care. *g* It possibly doesn't make any sense timeline-wise either. I still don't care. Pretend.
No elk were harmed in the making of this fic. So far, I have been the only Canadian harmed, and that's all mental damage so it's not even noticeable. (Please remember this is a parody, ok? None of this is actually my opinion! I swear!)
Our mountains are very pointy, our prairies are not / The rest is kinda bumpy, but man do we have a lot
"You want me to what with the who now?" Sandra asked incredulously. "Nuh-uh. No way. Nope." She folded her arms across her chest and glared at Molly. "I have a TV show now. I can afford plane fare to Banff. I am not driving cross-country in a van with you and Callum because you think it would be fun. Sorry."
"Oh, come on," Molly wheedled. "When's the last time you were in Banff? It's gorgeous this time of year. And you know that you won't see anything except the airport and the hotel if you don't drive up. Mountains, Sandra! Big ones! Elk!"
Sandra wavered a bit. Molly pounced. "You'll get to mock the Trailer Park Boys," she practically whispered.
"Oh, fine!" Sandra said. "Fine, I'll come. When do we leave?"
"Well, actually." Molly said.
There was a wheezing honk from behind Sandra. She turned around very, very slowly. "You didn't tell me you let Callum rent the van," she said sadly.
Molly hid her face in her hands and deliberately avoided looking down the driveway to the bright green VW bus. Callum was sitting behind the wheel, grinning happily.
"Hey," he yelled, leaning out the window. "Let's get a move on! I told Paul we'd swing through Ontario and give him a lift!"
Sandra frowned at Molly. Molly shrugged helplessly. "Oh, fuck you," Sandra said, and went upstairs to throw some stuff in a bag.
**
"I am not driving yet."
"But Sandra – "
"I am not driving yet. You came to my house and strong-armed me into driving to Canada in a bus that's older than I am. I am not driving yet. You drive."
"But Sandra – "
"And we're picking up Paul Gross? Mister I-Don't–Have-To-Leave-The-Country-To-Be-Successful-Because-The-Government-Still-Thinks-I'm-Benton-Fraser? I am not driving."
"...If you drive now, we'll make Paul drive from Ontario to Alberta."
"Hey, Callum! Pull over, I think it's my turn!"
**
"There is no way that you are younger than this bus."
"Callum, shut up."
"Besides, in this baby, we could drive into an elk and not even notice it."
"Oh, my god. You are not allowed to drive any more."
"Excellent!"
"Molly, get your ass up here. It is your turn."
**
"Wait a minute, wait a minute, how many days did you say this is going to take? Oh, for fuck's sake, Parker, we are stopping at the next liquor store, okay?"
**
Just outside of Stratford, they hit the first blizzard. Paul bitched halfway across Manitoba, as they slogged through the wet snow. "Fucking prairies, man, you can never get free of the snow on the prairies. This is the last time I drive across this country. We have trains for a reason. If you want to see countryside, you should take the train. It's amazing how much the railroad contributed to building the infrastructure of this country, and no one knows any more, and no one takes the fucking trains. We should shoot a show on the trains. Some sort of cross-country thing. I bet that would take right off. You gotta remember the trains."
Sandra shared a look with Molly. Is he always this manic? it asked. Molly nodded.
"They did a show on a train," Callum pointed out, lazing in the front seat. "Global did it. It sucked ass."
"Yeah, well, Global sucks ass," Paul said. "I mean on a real network, like CBC."
"Hey Sandra! Which network carries Grey's up here?" Callum asked.
"Prick," Sandra muttered. "Jealous prick."
Molly patted Sandra's shoulder. "Callum's just pissy because he only gets guest spots lately and you have a recurring role," she confided.
"Hey, I am not!" Callum yelled back. He twisted around in his seat. "I got to work with Mary McDonnell last year and Jennifer Beals and Pam Grier this year, OK? Who are you working with?" He pretended to think. "Oh yeah – Katie Heigl and Ellen Pompeo. Why the fuck would I be jealous?" He smirked.
Paul braked sharply, causing Callum to smack his head against the windshield. Molly and Sandra giggled at the sound.
Callum subsided into his seat, facing the right way this time. "Just because you keep playing prime ministers doesn't make you the boss," he shot at Paul.
**
"Well, you'd think the local farmers would know that I'm at large
But just the other day I found an unprotected barge
I snuck up right behind them and they were none the wiser
I rammed the ship and sank it and I stole their fertilizer
Bridge outside of Moose Jaw spans a mighty river
Farmers cross in so much fear, their stomachs are a-quiver
'Cause they know that Captain Tractor's hiding in the bay
I'll jump the bridge, and knock 'em cold, and sail off with their hay!"
Everyone laughed. "You know, that's got to be the best road-trip song ever," Sandra pointed out.
"No way," Callum disagreed. "Mounted Animal Nature Trail all the way!"
"I hate that song!" Sandra said! "No singing that one, ok? How about, um, Carrot Juice is Murder!
"Vegetables live in oppression
Served on our tables each night
This killing of veggies is madness
I say we take up the fight...
"Oh, come on you guys," she said, when no one joined her. "Fine, I'm going to sleep."
**
"Are we still in Saskatchewan?"
"Yes, Cal."
"Well, shit, does this province ever end?"
"Yes, Cal."
"Are you sure we're moving? I don't think the scenery's changed for the past four hours."
"We're moving, Callum. Now shut up, Molly and Sandra are sleeping."
"They're just faking so they won't have to drive. But you're not driving either. We're not moving. Look, over there. I've been looking at that tree for the last ten minutes and we haven't passed it yet. I can still see it. The horizon here just doesn't change."
"I think that's just part of Saskatchewan's charm."
"Hah! Oh, you were serious, sorry. Hey, you know, you can totally tell where people are from based on how many syllables they make 'Saskatchewan' into."
"You have way too much time on your hands."
"No, seriously, look. Easterners say it right. Sas-ka-che-wan. In BC, they say Skat-che-wan. One less syllable, right? In Alberta, we say Skatch-wan. Two syllables. And I hear that it's possible to say it all in one syllable, but I think you have to be born here and practice for years. And of course, no one outside the country knows how the hell to say it at all."
"Look, there, we just passed into Alberta."
"Oh, yeah, there's the sign. ... You know, I can still see that tree."
"Molly! MOLLY! Wake up! We're in Alberta, and I am fucking done driving."
**
"What the hell, Molly?" Sandra yelled. "We are so close to Banff I can practically see it! And now you run us off the road?"
"It wasn't my fault!" Molly defended herself. "If Paul hadn't set off the bear banger – "
"Why do you have a bear banger in your purse anyways?" Paul broke in. "I was just looking for a band-aid and it went off! I didn't do it on purpose!"
"Well, whatever," Callum said, kicking the tire of the bus. The poor thing had tipped over onto its side in the ditch. "We're gonna need help to get this thing upright again." He tried a half-grin. "Betcha it'll still run fine, though! Made well." Everyone else glared at him and he shut up.
Sandra groaned. "Could we be stranded anyplace worse than Buffalo Jump?" she asked rhetorically.
"Dog Pound," Paul said.
"Frank," Molly added.
"Vulcan," Callum chipped in.
Just then, a car pulled up alongside them, no doubt barely in time to prevent Sandra from murdering everyone else. "Well, well. Paul Gross," a voice said. "Fancy meeting you here, of all places."
"Wendy!" Paul exclaimed. "How's it going? On your way to Banff?"
"You bet," Wendy replied with a grin. "Hey everyone. Had a little car trouble?"
"Bear banger incident," Sandra replied drolly.
Wendy winced. "I can give someone a lift into town, get a tow truck?" she offered.
Sandra jumped at the chance. "Oh god please!" she cried out. "Um, I mean, I'll go, she corrected herself, daring anyone to contradict her. The other three actors backed away slowly. "Great!" she said, hopping into the car. "Haven't seen you since the Edmonton Film Fest," she said to Wendy as they pulled away. "We should catch up! Maybe you can just give me a lift the rest of the way to Banff?"
Callum sighed and leaned back against the bus. He began to sing absently under his breath.
"On the Mounted Animal Nature Trail
You'll be sure to see
All Mother Nature's favourite pets
All sitting rigidly.
They're never hungry anymore
Their last meal left them stuffed.
Don't worry, they won't walk away
If you try to pet their fluff."
Suddenly he stopped, staring into the woods on the side of the road. "Um, guys?" he said, backing away. "Do you see that elk? Does that elk have red eyes? Paul? Molly? That elk has glowing red eyes. You see that, right? The elk with glowing red eyes is getting closer. Very slowly, but it's getting closer. I think that elk is dead, guys. I think a car hit it and it died and came back to life. I think that's a zombie elk with glowing red eyes. Guys? Guys? Run!"
**
Four hours later, Sandra was still waiting in the lobby of the Banff Springs hotel. "Dammit," she said, "I bet the bus broke down again. I shouldn't have left my bags with those assholes."
Don nodded sagely. "If there's anything I learned from Last Night, it's that Cal and cars don't get along. I'm sure they'll be here soon, though," he said. "Come wait in my room."
Sandra sighed and nodded. "Hey Don," she asked as she got up. "Why are you still wearing those sunglasses? I can't see your eyes at all. It's getting a little spooky."
Don pushed the glasses up his nose a bit higher. "I'll tell you upstairs," he said.
**
Note: Bear bangers - no, they're not what they sound like. ;)
So, um.
fox1013 said "Canadian RPF roadtrip fic possibly with zombies!" And I said "My brain hurts, no way, I'm not writing that!" And I definitely didn't write that, and it certainly doesn't have Sandra Oh, Molly Parker, Callum Keith Rennie, Paul Gross, Wendy Crewson, and/or Don McKellar, and I really don't need to apologize to the Arrogant Worms for blatant misuse of their lyrics. *cough*I don't think this makes any geographic sense. I don't care. *g* It possibly doesn't make any sense timeline-wise either. I still don't care. Pretend.
No elk were harmed in the making of this fic. So far, I have been the only Canadian harmed, and that's all mental damage so it's not even noticeable. (Please remember this is a parody, ok? None of this is actually my opinion! I swear!)
Our mountains are very pointy, our prairies are not / The rest is kinda bumpy, but man do we have a lot
"You want me to what with the who now?" Sandra asked incredulously. "Nuh-uh. No way. Nope." She folded her arms across her chest and glared at Molly. "I have a TV show now. I can afford plane fare to Banff. I am not driving cross-country in a van with you and Callum because you think it would be fun. Sorry."
"Oh, come on," Molly wheedled. "When's the last time you were in Banff? It's gorgeous this time of year. And you know that you won't see anything except the airport and the hotel if you don't drive up. Mountains, Sandra! Big ones! Elk!"
Sandra wavered a bit. Molly pounced. "You'll get to mock the Trailer Park Boys," she practically whispered.
"Oh, fine!" Sandra said. "Fine, I'll come. When do we leave?"
"Well, actually." Molly said.
There was a wheezing honk from behind Sandra. She turned around very, very slowly. "You didn't tell me you let Callum rent the van," she said sadly.
Molly hid her face in her hands and deliberately avoided looking down the driveway to the bright green VW bus. Callum was sitting behind the wheel, grinning happily.
"Hey," he yelled, leaning out the window. "Let's get a move on! I told Paul we'd swing through Ontario and give him a lift!"
Sandra frowned at Molly. Molly shrugged helplessly. "Oh, fuck you," Sandra said, and went upstairs to throw some stuff in a bag.
**
"I am not driving yet."
"But Sandra – "
"I am not driving yet. You came to my house and strong-armed me into driving to Canada in a bus that's older than I am. I am not driving yet. You drive."
"But Sandra – "
"And we're picking up Paul Gross? Mister I-Don't–Have-To-Leave-The-Country-To-Be-Successful-Because-The-Government-Still-Thinks-I'm-Benton-Fraser? I am not driving."
"...If you drive now, we'll make Paul drive from Ontario to Alberta."
"Hey, Callum! Pull over, I think it's my turn!"
**
"There is no way that you are younger than this bus."
"Callum, shut up."
"Besides, in this baby, we could drive into an elk and not even notice it."
"Oh, my god. You are not allowed to drive any more."
"Excellent!"
"Molly, get your ass up here. It is your turn."
**
"Wait a minute, wait a minute, how many days did you say this is going to take? Oh, for fuck's sake, Parker, we are stopping at the next liquor store, okay?"
**
Just outside of Stratford, they hit the first blizzard. Paul bitched halfway across Manitoba, as they slogged through the wet snow. "Fucking prairies, man, you can never get free of the snow on the prairies. This is the last time I drive across this country. We have trains for a reason. If you want to see countryside, you should take the train. It's amazing how much the railroad contributed to building the infrastructure of this country, and no one knows any more, and no one takes the fucking trains. We should shoot a show on the trains. Some sort of cross-country thing. I bet that would take right off. You gotta remember the trains."
Sandra shared a look with Molly. Is he always this manic? it asked. Molly nodded.
"They did a show on a train," Callum pointed out, lazing in the front seat. "Global did it. It sucked ass."
"Yeah, well, Global sucks ass," Paul said. "I mean on a real network, like CBC."
"Hey Sandra! Which network carries Grey's up here?" Callum asked.
"Prick," Sandra muttered. "Jealous prick."
Molly patted Sandra's shoulder. "Callum's just pissy because he only gets guest spots lately and you have a recurring role," she confided.
"Hey, I am not!" Callum yelled back. He twisted around in his seat. "I got to work with Mary McDonnell last year and Jennifer Beals and Pam Grier this year, OK? Who are you working with?" He pretended to think. "Oh yeah – Katie Heigl and Ellen Pompeo. Why the fuck would I be jealous?" He smirked.
Paul braked sharply, causing Callum to smack his head against the windshield. Molly and Sandra giggled at the sound.
Callum subsided into his seat, facing the right way this time. "Just because you keep playing prime ministers doesn't make you the boss," he shot at Paul.
**
"Well, you'd think the local farmers would know that I'm at large
But just the other day I found an unprotected barge
I snuck up right behind them and they were none the wiser
I rammed the ship and sank it and I stole their fertilizer
Bridge outside of Moose Jaw spans a mighty river
Farmers cross in so much fear, their stomachs are a-quiver
'Cause they know that Captain Tractor's hiding in the bay
I'll jump the bridge, and knock 'em cold, and sail off with their hay!"
Everyone laughed. "You know, that's got to be the best road-trip song ever," Sandra pointed out.
"No way," Callum disagreed. "Mounted Animal Nature Trail all the way!"
"I hate that song!" Sandra said! "No singing that one, ok? How about, um, Carrot Juice is Murder!
"Vegetables live in oppression
Served on our tables each night
This killing of veggies is madness
I say we take up the fight...
"Oh, come on you guys," she said, when no one joined her. "Fine, I'm going to sleep."
**
"Are we still in Saskatchewan?"
"Yes, Cal."
"Well, shit, does this province ever end?"
"Yes, Cal."
"Are you sure we're moving? I don't think the scenery's changed for the past four hours."
"We're moving, Callum. Now shut up, Molly and Sandra are sleeping."
"They're just faking so they won't have to drive. But you're not driving either. We're not moving. Look, over there. I've been looking at that tree for the last ten minutes and we haven't passed it yet. I can still see it. The horizon here just doesn't change."
"I think that's just part of Saskatchewan's charm."
"Hah! Oh, you were serious, sorry. Hey, you know, you can totally tell where people are from based on how many syllables they make 'Saskatchewan' into."
"You have way too much time on your hands."
"No, seriously, look. Easterners say it right. Sas-ka-che-wan. In BC, they say Skat-che-wan. One less syllable, right? In Alberta, we say Skatch-wan. Two syllables. And I hear that it's possible to say it all in one syllable, but I think you have to be born here and practice for years. And of course, no one outside the country knows how the hell to say it at all."
"Look, there, we just passed into Alberta."
"Oh, yeah, there's the sign. ... You know, I can still see that tree."
"Molly! MOLLY! Wake up! We're in Alberta, and I am fucking done driving."
**
"What the hell, Molly?" Sandra yelled. "We are so close to Banff I can practically see it! And now you run us off the road?"
"It wasn't my fault!" Molly defended herself. "If Paul hadn't set off the bear banger – "
"Why do you have a bear banger in your purse anyways?" Paul broke in. "I was just looking for a band-aid and it went off! I didn't do it on purpose!"
"Well, whatever," Callum said, kicking the tire of the bus. The poor thing had tipped over onto its side in the ditch. "We're gonna need help to get this thing upright again." He tried a half-grin. "Betcha it'll still run fine, though! Made well." Everyone else glared at him and he shut up.
Sandra groaned. "Could we be stranded anyplace worse than Buffalo Jump?" she asked rhetorically.
"Dog Pound," Paul said.
"Frank," Molly added.
"Vulcan," Callum chipped in.
Just then, a car pulled up alongside them, no doubt barely in time to prevent Sandra from murdering everyone else. "Well, well. Paul Gross," a voice said. "Fancy meeting you here, of all places."
"Wendy!" Paul exclaimed. "How's it going? On your way to Banff?"
"You bet," Wendy replied with a grin. "Hey everyone. Had a little car trouble?"
"Bear banger incident," Sandra replied drolly.
Wendy winced. "I can give someone a lift into town, get a tow truck?" she offered.
Sandra jumped at the chance. "Oh god please!" she cried out. "Um, I mean, I'll go, she corrected herself, daring anyone to contradict her. The other three actors backed away slowly. "Great!" she said, hopping into the car. "Haven't seen you since the Edmonton Film Fest," she said to Wendy as they pulled away. "We should catch up! Maybe you can just give me a lift the rest of the way to Banff?"
Callum sighed and leaned back against the bus. He began to sing absently under his breath.
"On the Mounted Animal Nature Trail
You'll be sure to see
All Mother Nature's favourite pets
All sitting rigidly.
They're never hungry anymore
Their last meal left them stuffed.
Don't worry, they won't walk away
If you try to pet their fluff."
Suddenly he stopped, staring into the woods on the side of the road. "Um, guys?" he said, backing away. "Do you see that elk? Does that elk have red eyes? Paul? Molly? That elk has glowing red eyes. You see that, right? The elk with glowing red eyes is getting closer. Very slowly, but it's getting closer. I think that elk is dead, guys. I think a car hit it and it died and came back to life. I think that's a zombie elk with glowing red eyes. Guys? Guys? Run!"
**
Four hours later, Sandra was still waiting in the lobby of the Banff Springs hotel. "Dammit," she said, "I bet the bus broke down again. I shouldn't have left my bags with those assholes."
Don nodded sagely. "If there's anything I learned from Last Night, it's that Cal and cars don't get along. I'm sure they'll be here soon, though," he said. "Come wait in my room."
Sandra sighed and nodded. "Hey Don," she asked as she got up. "Why are you still wearing those sunglasses? I can't see your eyes at all. It's getting a little spooky."
Don pushed the glasses up his nose a bit higher. "I'll tell you upstairs," he said.
**
Note: Bear bangers - no, they're not what they sound like. ;)
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Cute, hon.
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No, really. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.
(The mental image of the singing of Arrogant Worms songs... heeeeeee. And hey, I'm not a Canuck and I can say Saskatchewan! I can even spell it... um, finally, and after much practice. :D)
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I don't really have anything to say, except that this is awesome, and you are awesome, and it is CANADIAN ROADTRIP RPF WITH ZOMBIES hi could I love you more? No. No I could not.
Awesome. AWESOME.
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And this was fun! Yay Arrogant Worms!
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Glad you enjoyed. ;)
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With the... and the... Callum! Fucking prairies! That tree not moving, *ever!*
Enjoyed this muchly. Thank you kindly.
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The bits with Saskatchewan were THE BEST.
I made my flatmate here listen to Arrogant Worms and now he thinks all Canadians are nuts.
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And yay for spreading the Worms. Hee.
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Okay. ::reads::
In the past year, thanks to
Canadians are love.
She turned around very, very slowly. "You didn't tell me you let Callum rent the van," she said sadly.
Hee.
It's amazing how much the railroad contributed to building the infrastructure of this country, and no one knows any more, and no one takes the fucking trains.
Aw. He's like American.
...I have never heard Carrot Juice is Murder. I'm intrigued.
"Are you sure we're moving? I don't think the scenery's changed for the past four hours."
::snickers::
"Oh, yeah, there's the sign. ... You know, I can still see that tree."
::snickers more::
Sandra groaned. "Could we be stranded anyplace worse than Buffalo Jump?" she asked rhetorically.
"Dog Pound," Paul said.
"Frank," Molly added.
"Vulcan," Callum chipped in.
::dies::
"Um, I mean, I'll go, she corrected herself
Missing a " ;)
Eeek. Sandra, no!!!!
This is totally made of win. and hilarity.